Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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