you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
