Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
