Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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