Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
