He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
