Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
