I can tuck mytits in my pants
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize