he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He passed out mid-signature
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
