The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Houston, we have a squirter
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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