i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
