omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
