I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
