Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
