So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
