i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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