her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
