dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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