My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
