Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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