I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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