You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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