my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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