yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
