I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
