I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
