hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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