the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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