she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
