Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
