anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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