I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize