I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
