i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
