I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
