Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
there is puke in my bra ... again
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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