Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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