There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
