just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
