But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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