Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
