Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Randomize