I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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