My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
