I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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