I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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