So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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