dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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