Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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