3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
