He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why can't burritos get me drunk
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
