census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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