Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
