It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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