fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
